Celebrity deaths are something I've never understood. Not in the sense of me not getting how life works, but I just sincerely didn't understand why people got so upset over someone they had never met, nor would they ever meet. Until today, it was something completely out of my field of view.
Robin Williams is dead.
The last few months have been incredibly emotionally draining for me in the sense of starting medical school, being away from my family, ending relationships in multiple capacities, and wading through superficiality from colleagues in school.
To cope, I've turned back to literature from high school and college, namely Leaves of Grass, by Walt Whitman and The Conduct of Life by Ralph Waldo Emerson. I talked about the former in my last post, how it's helped me really find meaning recently.
Today was my first exam, something I've been dreading for a while, but nonetheless studied for my entire last week. The point of this is not how I did on the test, but rather to account for how drained I am physically at this point. Studying for 16 hours a day really exhausts you in pretty much every aspect. I've been sitting in my apartment since getting out of the lab this afternoon, doing nothing but relaxing and procrastinating my Biochem slides I should be reviewing for tomorrow.
Just like most news nowadays, I heard about Robin Williams' death through twitter. I honestly could not believe it, sitting on my bed, trying to decompress. Despite his previous struggles with addiction, that someone that affected my life so drastically was gone really rattles me. Further, his death (at this time) is an apparent suicide.
Someone so lively, joyous, and kind killed himself. Robin Williams' own demons outweighed his strengths and the love that those around him held for him.
Depression is a term that is frequently used in place of lethargy, boredom, and dissatisfaction. A few people close to me have struggled with true depression in a way I simply cannot, and hope I never will, understand. Robin Williams' death leaves me with anger, sadness, and confoundment.
As evident by my love of Transcendentalist writing (and me watching it when I was 15), Dead Poets Society really resonated with me. I watch it every semester as school starts to get motivated. I quote it with my best friend. I quoted it during my graduation speech. Mr. Keating exhibited such a vivacity and yearning to experience the very best in life and draw out the very best from his students and peers. I wanted that for my own life. I wanted to delve so deeply into literature that I became lost in it and in myself.
Robin Williams' seemed to choose roles that were targeted specifically for me.
Dr. Sean Maguire in Goodwill Hunting reached out to a boy that desperately needed help when no one around him could recognize it. Patch Adams connected with his patients on a personal level in a system that valued detachment. I could go on and on about how striking Williams' choice of roles came to me, but I will leave it instead at this: Robin Williams was an incredible actor and comedian who brought me to tears, made me hurt from laughter, and challenged me to live a life full of meaning.
From The Conduct of Life:
While thus to love he gave his days
In loyal worship, scorning praise,
How spread their lures for him, in vain,
Thieving Ambition and paltering Gain!
He thought it happier to be dead,
To die for Beauty, than live for bread.
Love Others, Take Time to Listen.
See you soon, often, and for a very long time to come.
-Z
P.S. National Network of Depression Centers
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